Spring break.  Who doesn’t love spring break?  Well, I think I can answer that for you…but you probably have already figured that out.  This won’t be a blog about how awful breaks are for autistic kids, because we all know that.  I would like nothing more than to jet off to my favorite Sanibel Island with both kids in tow.  However, I have class, and the traveling part is the challenge.

Phoebe used to love to go out.  She loved to ride in a stroller and shop, and go to eat, and go to the mall, etc.  She loved it.  She would sit happily, and smile, and laugh.  Rarely did she have a meltdown, or want to come racing home.  That came with puberty and getting older.  That came with the reality that the world isn’t so great…and things that scare me happen.  There are some irrational fears that also came along with adolescence, puberty, and autism.  Phoebe is deathly afraid of lightening, fireworks, rain (due to the lightening factor), and cannons.  (Yes, cannons…like the ones in Mackinaw Island, or parades)  She also fears the hole that is left between the opening of an elevator, and the floor.  She takes one GIANT step to get over that, just in case.  It has taken me years to figure out why these things are so hard for her.  Take away the noise factor, and what you have is general fear.  It’s the not being able to control it, and not knowing what might happen.  We all have those fears.  We all have those thoughts…but our mind tells us that things will be ok, and we can rationalize with ourselves.  She doesn’t have that.  She really tries, but in the end her fear gets the best of her, and she retreats to the basement, or under the covers of her bed.  She tries to mimic what we do, but it never really works.  No medicine has been able to help her with that, nor will any medicine every be able to.   I have finally just given in to the fact that rainy days are days spent inside making sure she feels comfortable.  The sheer panic that ensues when it storms, or when fireworks go off, is not something any mother should see in her child’s eyes.  Ever.

Traveling causes a challenge for Phoebe too, as she can’t control what a plane might do.  Her ears hurt, and she can’t figure out how to clear them.  The turbulence makes her scream out loud, and the fact that she can’t get up and get away makes her crazy.  And, don’t get me started on the bathroom issue.  When she has to go- there is no waiting for the seatbelt sign.  I know…Benadryl might work, but then who’s going to carry this 5-foot 4-inch WOMAN out of the plane??

Really it all boils down to the fact that I can’t take the stress of trying to get her through that whole process without freaking out.  It’s just too much (on me).  This mother has figured out when to pick her stressful times…and that is just not one of them.

Maybe the Xanax is for me?  .