Autism is non-stop.  During the weekends, I feel like I can’t stop thinking about what I could be doing for myself, what I should be doing better for my kids, what I could be doing for my health, what I want to be doing with my friends, and those “trendy” fun things I want to do with my kids.  It’s the idea of what life should be.  The idea.  Not the reality.  My personality could not be farther from what my daughters is.  (for the most part)  She has high anxiety about the unknown, and I really don’t.  She likes schedule rigidity, and sameness in foods, and routine routine routine.  I really…um, don’t.  (Can I say that?)  Life isn’t that simple.  I can’t make things the same every day.  I can’t control everything…I just can’t.  I try really hard to, but in the end it’s not really possible.  Autism is non-stop, and so is life.  I hate to say it, but the autism is going to have to adapt.  (sorry- but it’s true)

This past weekend we had a garage sale.  Yes, my son helped me tremendously, and Phoebe helped here and there too.  But, tonight I am one tired momma.  My son got asked to go to a movie, and so I let him.  Phoebe wanted to go, and I hesitated on whether to take her.  Movies are not her thing, but the other kids were going, and she wanted to go with them.  Finally, I just said no.  Right or wrong…I just didn’t have it in me.  I didn’t want to go out for pop, and the bathroom 16 times–just so she could get up.  I just wanted to go home and relax.  As selfish as that is…I just said no.  She was not happy, but finally settled down. There are just days I don’t want to deal with the autism.  (more days than I care to think about) Tonight, the autism had to adapt.

When people or Facebook asks what super hero you would be, or what super power you would have….my answer would be the ability to have a force field like shield around me and Phoebe.  Then when something came up that she didn’t like…I could just yell…”SHIELD!” and she and I would be ok.  Right? Or maybe I’d choose to be invisible.  That would put a serious wrench in the non-stop autism world Phoebe lives in.  Mom?  Mom?  Mom? (that could get annoying)

Needless to say, I had to be selfish and do something for me.  I felt bad, but in the end it was all ok.  Everyone is now sound asleep and ready for a new week.

Ok Autism- I’m ready for this week.  SHIELD! (darn, it didn’t work)