I’m tired of summer.   Living summer through my son is what it should be…pools, sports, hikes, swimming, beaches, boats and fires with s’mores.  Living summer with Phoebe is exactly why I am so tired of summer.  Tired in general.  Summer is uncertainty, anxiety, and boredom for her.  She doesn’t have friends calling for sleep-overs and asking to come shopping at the mall.  It just doesn’t happen.  So, she turns to me… as always.  I am her friend, her mother, her caregiver, her bather, her guidance counselor, her punisher, and her least and most favorite person in the world.  I get the tantrums, the fighting, the need for food constantly, the defiance, the badgering of her brother, the “I’m going to ask you this question, but do what I want anyway” moments.  I get it.  I get the ATTENTION seeking behavior.  CONSTANTLY.  Did I say constantly yet?  Because it feels like it has been going on constantly for weeks.

I’d like to sit with a group of people, and/or family and not have her tell someone…”my mom smacks me”, or “I just farted”, and the always popular “I have to go POOP!” or my favorite this summer, “I have a fist and I know how to use it.”  (where the HELL did that come from??)  I’d also like to be able to be in Meijers and grocery shop for more than 10 minutes…to actually buy things we need.  And, when I take a turn to find something I hadn’t anticipated, to not hear….”MOM…NO!!!”  (and this voice of hers is LOUD!)  I’d like to not buy a pack of markers every time I hit a store- because it keeps her happy long enough for me to get what I need.  Knowing full well  that the other 5000 markers I have at my house are good enough.  I’d like to have an adult conversation with a friend that I run in to…and not have her say something to get my attention, and make me want to run away screaming.  I realize that these are all social norms and prejudices that have been placed upon me in life.   That even though most of us know we shouldn’t say these things, or do these things…most autistic children (and Phoebe especially) do not.   And, to be honest…THEY DON’T CARE!  It’s the parents and the caregivers that do care.  Do we as parents become numb to this?  I guess some of us do at times, but occasionally I fall back on what I learned growing up…those “social graces”, and I want to fall in to a heap on the floor and sob.  (which does sometimes happen – more than most of you would like to know)

So, as for this summer I’d like to say…”SEE YA!  Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.”  (Sorry- but it’s true)

My patience is worn thin after the summer months…and I can’t wait for the routine to be back to “normal.”  Whatever that is.