Well, here it is.  It’s the end of summer.  We have officially made it through another summer filled with flooding, moving in- moving out, tantrums, med changes, breakthroughs, tears (and more tears), and laughter.  Our last weekend of the summer is always at the Lake with family and friends.  It’s a crazy, fun filled time that has become somewhat of a tradition.  It’s so much fun, and the kids literally run all day long until they can’t run anymore.  Each year, it becomes more apparent that while the other kids grow up, and become more independent….my one child remains very much the same.  Does she progress?  I became very aware that there has been very little maturing over the last year or two.  I hope that she will mature more, but not sure it will ever happen – there is no guarantee.  I can’t leave her for more than a few minutes…without having to check on her.  There have been moments of nakedness in main rooms, bathroom accidents, the sneaking of cake, and cheese, screaming inappropriate things, and saying things that make no sense (to us anyway).  The only saving grace is that tomorrow begins her happy place.  She starts her schedule that she loves.  Tonight…she has a HUGE smile on her face.  I am thankful for that.

My family is very tolerant (most of the time- and who can blame them for not being tolerant?).  They are accepting, and loving, and laugh with me in times of the most stress, but, they don’t live this life.  They don’t see the day-to-day with autism.  Only the families in the trenches of autism see this.  This is not fun.  I won’t sugar coat it.   Do I love her?  OF COURSE.  I have all the same dreams and hopes for her.  But, this has been non-stop for the last 13 years.  I don’t get to walk away and leave her to be alone for more than a few minutes.  Someone has to watch her.  That someone is me, and she needs me.  I am not sure that any woman (or man) is cut out to be intensely parenting like this.  I have been researching, and looking in to the future for this child, and right now her future is dim.  She will have services until the age of 26.  Don’t get me wrong…I am thankful for that.  Most kids are done at 18.  I have those extra years.  Am I planning a future for her?  Yes.   Am I doing this alone?  Pretty much.  Do I need a home for her other than my own?  (Wouldn’t that be nice?)   The Hope for Autism Foundation is also helping me plan for her…because I am not the only one with a child having a very UNCERTAIN future.  While most families think their children will be ok, and that they will head to college, get a job, and find a nice place to live….families living with autism can’t do that.  At least not here in Michigan right now.  That has to change.  1 in 88 children has autism?  Think about that.  ONE in EIGHTY-EIGHT.  Oh my god.  Where will all these kids go, or who will help them?  We need to help them, and get things in place…NOW.  Today starts that journey.

As for tonight…I plug along, packing backpacks, and getting snacks ready to send my first born to 8th grade (technically), and my BABY to 4th grade.  I am proud of who they are…for sure.

And today, I am thankful for that beautiful smile on her face.  (and on mine too:)