Once again, I am preparing myself, and Phoebe, for some big changes.  Phoebe has behaviors.  Really bad behaviors.  (and I mean REALLY bad) Can she help it? Does she like doing these things?  Who knows.  The bottom line is she can’t do these things around school mates.  I understand that.  Do I like it?  Not at all. Have I learned in the last 13 years of her life that the things I hate the most, are usually the things I can change the least?  Yep.  This is the story of my life.  I so wish Phoebe could sit in a class and do reading, writing, math and science.  I do.  It’s my least favorite feeling in the world.  I have a child with behavioral problems.  You hope to raise polite, polished, somewhat smart, happy person.  I am doing some of that, but she is anything but polite and polished.  I have accepted autism, and PDD-NOS, and behaviors, but I fricking hate them.  I REALLY do.

A long time ago, I gave up on the idea of graduation, graduation parties, and that big old DIPLOMA.  At this point…WHO CARES.  I am just going to be happy if she can get through the day without saying, “you’re a shit”, or “I hate you” to any of her family, or her teachers.  (or throwing chairs, desks, pencils, etc.- you get it)  Yes, Phoebe is autistic, but that is just the beginning.  She doesn’t understand consequences.  She doesn’t get subtle hints.  She doesn’t get that if you say something horrible…it hurts someones feelings.  I DO.  I understand that she is going to miss out on things, because of her disability.  (As much as I don’t want to think about it)  The bottom line is…if she’s happy, I’m happy.  If giving her less constraints means more happiness and better behaviors.  Let’s go for it.

Because eventually, she’ll change things up and we will be doing this again.  We will again make  changes and do what makes her happy (and less apt to make her have behaviors).  I’ll keep doing it…until I collapse.

That is my job.

MOM.