Lots of the time…I can joke, and laugh about the things that happen during my autism-filled life.  The end of summer is not one of those times.  Anxiety begins to set in for Phoebe.  She can’t control any of those things that she needs to have control of.  What time will the bus pick her up?  Who will be there at school waiting for her?  Will she know where to go?  What are the names of the kids in her class?  What time does she leave school?  All of these seem trivial and easy to us, but for Phoebe this is life.  I don’t have the answers for her yet…and this causes a lot of turmoil at home.  When Phoebe has anxiety all of her worst qualities come out.  She wants to eat all day long, sleep days away, and stay up at night.  She wants to follow me around to make sure I am not leaving, or possibly finding out any information that she may need.   It’s these days that I wonder how I will ever get through all of this.  Even the tranquility of heading north to the nice beach in Traverse City does nothing but cause her uncertainty and anguish.  She only wants to know when we will be heading back home to her familiar surroundings such as: her bed, her food pantry, her bathtub, and her room (with room darkening shades and a loud fan, so she can shut the world out).

Her summer school program lasted 4 weeks.  4 weeks.  That’s the only time she was happy and so excited.  I don’t want to sound selfish, but 4 weeks?  I’d be willing to stand in front of anyone and put up a really good case on why year round school for this type of special needs is ESSENTIAL.  Even if it’s a summer camp, summer retreat, or summer DAYCARE.  I don’t care what you call it–it has to be done.   Our school system does not have the funds to provide for any more time in the summer for these autistic children.  If I had endless funds…I would provide this for her.  I seriously would!  Summer couldn’t be any worse for them.  (Or maybe I should say…couldn’t be any worse for us)

With anxiety comes frustration.  (For both of us)  I really want to love summer days and nights, and having fun, but at this point I’m just counting the days.  I need my Phoebe back.  The one who loves to go to her schools, and loves to get up, get dressed and be ready for her days!

The Phoebe that has a smile on her face.
I want that back.