Phoebe used to go shop all day long, and go to stores, and sit and eat lunch.  She would do day trips and was complacent to be with me, no matter what.   She would take long rides in the car and be perfectly happy.  She was the happiest, sweetest baby on earth.  Seriously!  Then puberty happened. Puberty is hard on everyone, but for kids with autism…it’s a game changer.  It does more than just change the body, and emotions.  It changes everything.  For the last 6 plus years, her anxiety and fear of the world around us has been getting worse.  Things she can’t control immobilize her.  The only way she can control her world is by bullying us in to doing what she wants.  (Only to avoid meltdowns) I finally got to see that this is not a way of being mean, but a way to control her environment.  It really hit me hard this summer, and it made me sad.  What kind of a brain does this to someone?  What goes on in there?  I can’t imagine not being able to control those emotions on a daily basis.  Then I began to see a consistent theme.  Me.  (Those darn people at Yale were right)  I am her consistent.  I am the one that she looks to for a calming factor, and for the right thing to happen.  I am her answer to all questions.  I can talk her out of a meltdown, as long as I stay calm.  (This does not always happen, but I do my best- because as much as I want to be Wonder Woman…I am not)   As summer progresses, the anxiety gets worse.  The schedule is wrong, control gets less, and anxiety climbs.  Medications keep it pretty low, but nothing is full proof.  

I may not be able to do as much as some in the summer, and admittedly sometimes I do feel bad for myself.  However, there isn’t anywhere else I would or should be.  She needs me. Or, maybe its the other way around. 

Either way, this is our summer.  I’ll take what I can get.