Autism is limiting.  It’s limiting for everyone who is closest to it.  I make a choice everyday to not do things that cause unnecessary anxiety and emotion in Phoebe.  I used to push the envelope with her, and it was good.  Now, I limit her outings to her favorite places, and only push it when I really have to.  It makes my life easier.  It makes her life easier.  I am not sure autism experts would agree with my philosophy, however they aren’t doing this on their own, and I am.  They aren’t living this…I am.  My whole family is.

The strangest part to all of this is how completely opposite I am to her.  I love social outings, and going to new places, and talking to new people.  I always did.  I love to shop, and go out to eat.  These exact things are Phoebe’s LEAST favorite things to do.  She hates to go out to eat…as eating is just a function, and not a social event.  She hates crowds, exploring new places, and new people.  She will talk to new people if they are in her environment, but not at new places.  She doesn’t like airplanes (it may tip over), or elevators, or escalators.  She doesn’t like docks that move (that was a new one), or anything where her footing could be compromised.  She is unsure of the space she takes up.  She is comfortable however, with her family. She is comfortable with those people we see the most.  She will talk and talk to those people, asking the same questions and getting the same answers.  As annoying as this is, it serves a purpose.  Recently, I read an article that talked about how people with autism want to be a part of their community. When they ask the same questions over and over, they are trying to be a part of the conversation and be a part of the family or group.  It made sense once I read it, and now I don’t find her questioning as annoying as I used to.  Her conversation skills are limited, and often times she is questioning from a script that she has learned.  I recognize it, but not everyone does.  She listens, and learns.  She learns scripts from those closest to her.  She swears, and uses slang.  She hears other teenagers say things, and repeats them.  Does she understand what they mean?  Sometimes.  Does she say them for a reaction?  ALL the time. Again, this is all part of being part of her family, and being part of the conversations.

We are both limited.  She goes daycare, and has a babysitter, however those are short lived breaks.  I am her mom, and I am the one who understands her the most.  I am the one who gets the maddest at her.  I am the one who pushes her to do her best.  I am the one who tries to get her to learn new things, and be more independent.  (Me and her fabulous teacher)  I am the one who takes the brunt of the behaviors, and the mood swings.  That shouldn’t be on anyone else.

I am her mom, her limitations become mine.  Isn’t that what motherhood is about?

“I’ve heard it said,
That people come into our lives
For a reason
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those
Who help us most to grow if we let them.
And we help them in return.
Well, I don’t know if I believe that’s true
But I know I’m who I am today
Because I knew you.”

(-For Good.  Wicked)