I’ve written before about my other child, Brendan.  He’s younger by 3 and 1/2 years.  He’s just starting high school, and now he has become the “older” brother.  The dynamic is changing and everything is different.  Phoebe has always been the older sister.  Just like any house with 2 children, we made a big deal about it.  Phoebe got a “Big Sister” shirt when Brendan was going to be born.  Even with her disability and delays, she knew that she was the older one.  She played that role well, because we taught her how.  She would try to discipline him, and show him the right way to do things.  He looked up to her, just as siblings do.  This has gone on until recently.  Brendan is now 5 foot 10 inches tall, and 180 pounds.  He’s bigger than Phoebe in height, and is a full-blown teenager.  He has some sass to him, and now he’s become the older sibling.  Phoebe may be 18 in body, but she is closer to 8 years-old in mind.  This switch is really hard on her.  She doesn’t like the change.

Brendan knows her disability, and sometimes he understands it.  He lives it, but he doesn’t always like it.   He doesn’t want her to question his every move, or ask him 100 times what time he will be home.  Phoebe does not like the fact that Brendan goes out with friends.  He goes to events, parties, dinners, movies, and even on vacations without her.  This has proved to be challenging for her.   This is not the norm for our house.  According to her autism, we do things “together.”  That’s what this family does (or did).   She has meltdowns when he’s not home EXACTLY as stated, because her anxiety takes over.  When he was younger, she had some control over this.  She knew, because I knew.   Things are changing…and it’s not easy for any of us.

Brendan is a kind-hearted, soul.  He would hate to admit it, but he has endured more than most siblings have.  He’s resilient.  As a little boy, he would cry and hide when Phoebe was having her first meltdowns.  I would comfort him, and explain to him about her disability.  This happened 100’s of times. After a while, he understood and would ignore them, or shut his door and lock it.  This took years of understanding and many scenarios.   He would ask why.  “Why does Phoebe have autism?  Why does she do this stuff?”  Those answers were hard to give.  As a teen, he has started to understand.  He has come such a long way.  He’s amazing as a brother and really watches out for her.  As a teenager, he does normal brother things by teasing her, driving her crazy and sometimes even making her cry.  I let these things happen, because sometimes normal is ok.  We are working on Phoebe and her understanding that “normal” teenager means he won’t be home as much, and that he may be more like the older brother now.  I’m not sure she gets it, nor will she.

To be honest, I’m not sure I get it (or like it).  I can’t imagine what life will be like for her when he heads to college.   For now, we will work on social stories for Phoebe, so she can understand that Brendan will be out of the house more, and will be driving soon (gulp).  We will work together as a family…like we have always done.