It’s hard to explain the level of exhaustion that most mothers of special needs children have.  It’s not the, “I need to sleep” exhaustion as it is more, “I need a mental health month” type.   (Although, I could use some more sleep) Phoebe has multiple disabilities, none of which are visible.  She has mental disabilities, and emotional impairments.  About the time I have her figured out, she changes it up.  She seeks attention however she can get it.  She always has.  Always.  She is terribly impulsive.  She will blurt, touch, hit and grab food at any moment she can.  She will do anything to make you mad, and do it over and over until you want to scream.  She will bait you in to a screaming match, because she wants the attention.  Then, in the next moment, she will do something nice for you, and do it over and over.  It’s never predictable.  She has yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting meltdowns that are true mental breakdowns only because some kind of plan has changed.  She also has breakdowns because she can’t get what she wants, or I say no to one of her many controlling demands.  Either way, every day is a challenge.

This past few weeks has been very hard for me, as many of my friends drop their children off at colleges all across the country.  I won’t get that.  I am excited for the next steps for Phoebe, but I am also mourning a loss.  I won’t get that level of independence from her.  I won’t get to see her grow up and decide what she will be.  (I know- those aren’t a big deal to a lot of people) I will see her grow in many ways, and for that I am thankful.  It comes down to the fact that I am mentally exhausted parenting a child that needs constant attention.  It has been eighteen long years, and I’m not so sure this will get much different in the future.  I just don’t know.   You can judge all you want, but there are moments I wonder what life would be like if she were “normal.”  Where would she be going to college?  What would she be like?  What would life be like if I didn’t have to have someone to watch her, or if I didn’t have to take her everywhere I go?  It’s natural to think this way when I am at the end of my rope.

As the new school year starts, I am hopeful for Phoebe’s future and hope that her new program is a great fit for her.  I’m am hoping for a less-stressful year, with less appointments.  I am going to take in every moment of my son’s high school years, as he will be the only child I get to experience some “normalcy” with.

Whatever normal is. 🙂

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Side note:  I worry about the future of the Mental Health System …as I will be directly impacted if they cut funding of programs for people with autism and emotional impairments.  I am so thankful for what our local Community Mental Health System is providing right now, and hope I can continuing getting services that Phoebe needs to be successful.  It’s not a perfect system by any means, but I’ll take what I can get.