For my 19-year-old daughter, relationships are hard.  She has gone through years of therapy to help this, but her brain is wired a certain way.  Her autism is interesting and stressful.  My whole family has learned what her “scripts” are.  She asks certain questions, and we give the right answers.  We have learned not to vary much, because then the question cycle begins again until she gets the answer she wants or expects.  She has also learned that getting people to laugh, however she can get them to, is also a good way to get attention.  This can be stressful when new people, or people other than family are around.  Phoebe has learned to say inappropriate things, swear, and say mean things to get a laugh or to just plain get attention.  She is a 19-year-old body with a 7-year-old autistic brain.  We go over and over the appropriateness of these statements…yet it hasn’t seemed to help.

The discussion today with my son was about this subject.  I was enlightened to talk to someone who actually hears what normal teens say.  He informed me that Phoebe’s communication was very similar to what he hears in others, just not at the right time.  We laughed at her ability to say these things when she should NOT, and how perfectly timed those were.  She says things we think, but we keep to ourselves.  We have a very open family, and don’t keep much in. His idea was to write down times when it was ok, and times when it was not.  This lead me to thinking about a social story or two.  Maybe I’ve been going at this all wrong.  I can’t squash all the teenager-ness in her.  I have to give her some control.  (along with some big consequences when it’s not a good time)

We also discussed how it made my son feel very uncomfortable.  The fact that she says whatever she wants, when she wants is unsettling to him (and to me).  It’s like having a toddler around at all times. She wants the attention, and she will get it how she can.  (Appropriate or not.)  I had to explain anxiety to him and how her world is full of anxiety.  She says things to bully us in to doing what she wants, because her anxiety goes in to overload when she doesn’t know what is coming, or if she can control it.  He didn’t really know this.  He nodded, and took it in.  I forget he is the younger brother.

At the end of the ride, I told him the good news was that he would soon be old enough to go to college and leave.  He would have his own life, and this would be something he didn’t have to worry about.  His response was, “yeah, but you will Mom.”

Yep.  You’re right.  (Don’t tell him I said that)