This year, I will be 48 years-old.  As a woman in her mid-life, I would have expected certain things to be happening.  I realize life always throws curve balls, and we deal with it as best as possible, but there are some things I saw as the norm.  As a young adult, this is not at all what I had pictured.  We have dreams and expectations, and we set out to accomplish these things.   My first choice was to be married young, and to get my Fine Arts degree in Studio Art from Michigan State University.  I loved art, and it came easy to me.  I accomplished that goal.  Next, I planned on being a stay-at-home mom.  That was the “plan.”  I would work as long as I could, and then have my babies and stay home.  My husband was on board, and that was the goal.  I also accomplished that goal, for a time.  I stopped working when Phoebe was born, and I am very glad I did.  I am not sure I could have worked and taken care of her needs.  After Brendan came along, I also stayed-at-home until he was 3-years-old.  All these goals were accomplished, and I had done what was expected.

My life took a sudden detour at that time, when my husband left me, I had to move, find work, and take care of these children on my own.  (that’s another story) My father was gracious enough to employ me for a time, so I could get back on my feet after not having worked in close to 8 years.  I was not doing design, but I was working and earning money.  I can’t say I loved it, but I had to do it. It wasn’t part of the plan, and there were times I laid on the floor and sobbed.  Phoebe’s formal diagnosis came around this time, and there were meetings, appointments and realizations that life was becoming even more unpredictable.  This was most definitely NOT part of the plan.  I did everything right!!?  I did everything in the “correct” order!  I went to college, got married, worked, got a dog, had babies, stayed home, etc.  The mourning of what was came hard and fast.  I felt lost and scared for the first few years I lived in Saginaw.  My thoughts were always, “this can’t REALLY be my life can it?”

Fast forward 13 years.  I still live in Saginaw, and I still have moments of wonder.  I still cry at times and wonder how I am going to accomplish anything.   I STILL miss social things because I need a babysitter to watch her if I want to do anything.  (ANYTHING) I still feel lonely.  I changed my life/goals to fit her disability.  I had no choice but to put on my big girl pants and get to work. I changed my plan, my goals and my life, because she is my daughter.  She is my responsibility.  I became a single mom, who went back to college to get her teaching degree, so I could be home with my daughter in the summer.  This is what works, and I love what I do, both at work and home (mostly).

I will continue to change my life and goals, so that my children will thrive.  This is where I am at 48-years-old.  It’s not where I expected, but it “is what it is”, as my dad would say.  It may not be in the plan, or the expectation, but I don’t think you would do any differently.

For tonight, I’ll take a breath and count to 10, so I can survive tomorrow.

(As I write this, Phoebe came out and asked, “whats our plan for tomorrow?”) Sigh. 🙂