I talk to myself.  Sometimes, it’s out loud and sometimes it’s to myself.  Lately, I have noticed that Phoebe will now anticipate my thoughts and say them.  There are times she even says things she WANTS me to say.  I’m sure she has been doing this for a long time, but recently it has become more evident.  (I’m that predictable). Have you ever stood up in your own house and indicated…”Well, I think I’ll get a drink (or go to the bathroom, or do some laundry, etc)?” I stand in my house and Phoebe will say, “Getting a drink, huh?”  Or, she will say, “Bathroom break?”  I’m living my life with closed captioning.

I am reminded that the team of doctors at Yale told me that she gets ALL her information from me.  At the time, I was her only source of info, but now she spends time with a caregiver, at daycare, and at school.  Her sources have multiplied.  She has learned a lot more phrases and behaviors, yet still can use them in the wrong and right situations or just randomly.  Her verbal ability to tell you, “I KNOW!”, yet continue the inappropriate behavior makes people wonder what is wrong with her.  (Even me sometimes).  When we are home for summer, it begins to wear on me, and I become so thankful for the time that I have alone.  (and so much more thankful for her teachers).  The unpredictability of schedule in the summer does us both in.   I get angry with her, and she with me.

When Phoebe was little, her schedule was easy to vary because she was pliable.  She would shop, go to movies, etc.  Now, most of those things cause anxiety.  Phoebe realizes now that most adults her age do these things, so she will attempt them over and over again even if it causes her anxiety and meltdowns  (with a sitter or myself).   She is taking in information at all times by watching and mimicking myself and others.  She will say, “when I go to college”, or “when I live by myself”, or “lets go shopping mom and look at clothes,”   We try these things hoping that she will have made a miraculous recovery, however I am HARSHLY reminded that this is not how it works.   Phoebe sees and hears what 20-year-olds should/could be doing.  She wants that, and knows she can’t and won’t (in some ways).

I will continue to talk to myself, and Phoebe will continue to mimic my behaviors and language (and others as well).   I don’t anticipate this changing anytime soon.  I will try to not let it bother me as much as it has, and I will continue to try and model the correct behaviors for her (as hard as that is at my age).

I have to remember where she started from and how truly far she has come.