I’m jealous. I’m jealous that most adults my age can go have drinks, dinner, movies, or whatever sounds good at that very moment. I’m jealous that most adults who are over 50 can think a lot about what they want for their future, and can see how that looks. (and yes, I know this isn’t true of everyone). I’m jealous of caregivers that have more than one person that cares for their dependent. I’m jealous that projects don’t usually take 6-8 months because you can work on them whenever, and don’t have to stop to help your dependent, or to watch your girl so she doesn’t eat everything in the pantry.  I’m jealous of those people that aren’t utterly exhausted by the end of the week because they are doing a million jobs at once.

This all sounds very selfish, I’m sure. However, this is where my brain goes when I’m mentally and physically exhausted. I have to tell myself, “I think it’s ok for me to feel this way right?” For close to 25 years, I have been doing this. I’d say about 98% of the time it’s hard. The other 2% of the time, I get short breaks and find solace in Respite camps, and trips (while another caregiver takes care of her). When I was 35, 40, and even 45 I found it to be much easier. At 53, managing menopause and caregiving is very difficult. I’m clumsy, sweaty, angry and exhausted. 

That all being said, I have to remember that my daughter can’t help who she is. She can’t help it. She can’t help that her anxiety rules most of her behaviors, and that she wants attention all the time. She can’t help that she wants to eat 24/7, and that she has sensory issues. She also can’t help her social awkwardness and her ability to be so inappropriate. Recently, she told me, “No one wants me.” It broke me.  I had to take a step back and realize that her happiness matters too.  I have to remember that she isn’t going to change. The change has to be from me. My menopause has to take a step back and be a little more patient. Each weekend for the last few months, I have done what she wanted to do and realized this is who she is…forever. Projects have to wait, or she has to be included. I am working to be better at understanding. 

I’m still jealous of those things from time to time, but I remember that she needs me. I am her only constant, and she deserves love and understanding. Eventually, the right place will become available and although she will still need me, I will be able to do all those things. (Sooner than later)