Ok, so yes I am going to be a teacher, and yes I do know a lot about IEP’s.  The thing is, I know a lot about IEP’s because I have been sitting in these meetings since my daughter was 5 years old.  Sometimes they are fast, and and sometimes they are unending.  The longest one went over 3 hours.  When these kids reach puberty- LOOK out.  Everything is intensified, even the IEP’s.  I’ve cried…I’ve laughed…I’ve even felt like throwing up.  It doesn’t matter if the schools are doing everything they can for my child.. I still feel horrible when my kid is THAT kid.  My kid is THAT kid who pulls down her pants.  My kid is THAT kid who yells obscenities, and screams for attention.  Yes, she does these things.  YES, it’s a horrible feeling to think she does that.  I want to run right over to school and walk her through her day, so that I can SCREAM at her when she does these things at school.  (Will that help?  NOPE- just make it worse)  I just can’t help it.  As a mother, and a concerned one…it takes it’s toll.  It’s my kid that the other kids look at.  It’s MY kid that adults look at.

I have no idea why she does these behavioral things.  Well…that’s not entirely true.  I have lived with her long enough to have a good idea why…but essentially don’t know exactly the reason behind it.  It is it purposeful??  That is the question of the day.  Sometimes it seems completely purposeful to call me an idiot, or tell someone that I smack her.  And, then there are times when I can see in to those beautiful green eyes and know that she is seeking an answer to something.   That is the bulk of it.  She can’t express certain feelings, thoughts, and ideas.  (Others she can OVER express – like bowel movements – lucky me) She can talk, but can not express.  I even forget this.  She seeks the attention of me, and anyone who will listen…good or bad.  Do I have moments that I wish she was just “normal”?  Yes, of course.  Is that normal?  I sure hope so.  Do I want her to be on the cheerleading team?  The soccer team?  Yes.  I really do.  But, for now I have to be happy with a day that is all GREEN on her behavior sheet.  Today was one of those days! All Green is a HUGE improvement over a week ago.  I’ll take what I can get.

Teaching these kids is challenging enough…but parenting them is nearly impossible. Maybe an increase in prozac is in order for me.

After all – she is still my baby girl…and this road is a long one…with an end not nearly in sight.