I’m tired of winter. I’m tired of crying. Tired of parenting, cleaning, homework, making dinner, making sure people are clean in this house, more cleaning, laundry, taking the trash out, and the month of February–to name a few. I did not sign up to do this alone. While that doesn’t change the fact that I am…its still exhausting. I’m tired of saying the same things over and over to Phoebe. Tired of reassuring her of schedule, and time frame, and everything else she has insecurities about. This is a 24/7 job. I am not kidding when I say that. Last night, Phoebe woke up at least 5 times. On Tuesdays and Thursdays I have class from 8-4. Getting up with her 5 times takes its toll on my 42 year old body. I feel much older, and much more worn out these last few weeks. Never in my life, until now, have I woken up at 6 am, and thought, “sweet lord, how am I going to get through this today?” Not even when these 2 children were infants did I wonder that. However, at 28, and 31…I was much more agile to accomplish such things. (And, I did have some help) Don’t get me wrong…I am not complaining. Ok- I’m TOTALLY complaining, and want the world to know it.
I look down the road and think…what does my life look like? Recently, I saw a man that I went to high school with, at Kroger. He was with his mother, and he has always had special needs. (I am not sure what- and it doesn’t matter). He has to be in his 40’s, and his mother looked to be about 70. I smiled and said hello to her, and to him. She looked at me with wide eyes…and I said…”I remember him from high school.” She was so thrilled to have someone talk to her. She said..”HOW NICE of you to say hello.” He smiled at me. Not sure if he remembered, but I sure do. When I got by her…I thought to myself…”Oh my god..that’s me in 20 years.” Maybe some nice young person will say hello to Phoebe and I at Krogers, when we get old. I certainly hope I don’t look as tired as that nice lady did. (But, I’m pretty sure I will)
I’m tired of being a single parent. I’m tired of Autism.
I’m just tired.
Phoebe ASD World 
It's totally ok to be tired and to complain. be gentle and kind to yourself. You , as much as anyone, are worthy of your love and compassion. (i don't remember who said that, so can't attribute it correctly…) ❤ sending you lots of love and strength to get through your wintery days and long nights of parenting and managing a family on your own. xo
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I have an idea. Write and laminate all the things you frequently have to repeat verbally. Keep em close and then just flip to what you normally say. Sounds like more work, but maybe stimulating visually instead of auditory will get the message to stick longer? I dunno. I just wonder what will happen to her when you can't care for her. Adult foster care?
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