I used to worry about everything.  I used to worry about having the perfect marriage, perfect children, the perfectly clean house, and looking like I’m all put together.  I kept that up for a while, or at least I tried.  When my marriage fell apart I worried about what people would think about me.  Would they think I was a failure?  I sure did.  When Phoebe was diagnosed with Autism/Pdd-NOS, things began to change.  Autism changed me.  It changed us as a family. To be able to help Phoebe, and be the mom I should be, I had to let go of some of those things that I worried about.  Some of those petty things that people worry about.  Our house is messy.  If I want to keep it clean, that is all I would do.  Phoebe changes clothes at least 3 times a day.  She’s messy, and things get dirty.  Phoebe likes certain kinds of clothes.  I can no longer dress her in the cutest clothes ever. Sweatpants and t-shirts are her thing.  I used to fight it, by trying to make her “look good.”  Why?  Who are we kidding?  Life is easier when she’s happy.   I still have to do all the things “normal” moms do as well.  It’s a balancing act.  There are repetitive questions, and learned scripts.  I used to correct her and talk over her. I worried what people might think of her or us.  Would they think she was dumb, or weird?  Now, I let the script run. She is happy when she has asked her questions and received the answers (even if she doesn’t understand).  I let it flow.  I used to get embarrassed when we were out, and she would throw a fit, or just meltdown.  Now, when that happens I know what to say, and how to handle it.  I don’t get upset, or embarrassed.  This is autism.  When life is too complicated and I know I can’t do it all, I call on friends and family to help. The guilt used to make me crazy when I would ask.  Now, I know that I need the help sometimes and it’s just fine.  This is autism, and I need to take the help when I can.

We have lived this life for more than 10 years, when she was initially diagnosed.  Each year, I know there are more and more things that I can/can’t do. However, I don’t worry if I can’t make an event, or if I have to change an appointment for the 5th time because it’s raining, or sweep up her room for the 6th time in a week.   I don’t worry about what people think of us anymore.  Life is messy, and we know it.

Try living here for a week or two…you’ll see what I mean.  🙂