I sit here ready for Christmas break to be over with mixed emotions.  I am not ready, because I love being home and getting organized and doing the things I used to do as a stay-at-home mom. However, each day of vacation brought a higher level of anxiety in our autism house.  I answered the same questions over and over again, and dealt with the anxiety as I have for the last 10 years.  Today, I am ready to go back to teaching my art kids and getting away from the same questions and the same emotions.

Whether you teach your kids about Santa or not, Phoebe has believed in him for the last 16 years.  He is not an entity that you can prove is real or not real.  He is what he is. I have explained Santa, and yet Phoebe just does not understand it.  He brings the presents…and that’s it.  I explained Phoebe to her brother, and to their cousins this year as being “a sixteen-year-old body with an eight-year-old mind.”  This helped Brendan immensely.  He finally understood why she was not getting the whole Santa idea.  She was so excited about Christmas that all the family events enjoying each other, eating and talking were all just anxiety-ridden activities.  She muddled through fairly well, with a schedule that we had come up with.  We had a few, “WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME”, and “I HATE YOU WOMAN” moments to name a few,  but overall there were no large meltdowns.  The week and half journey for her consisted of anxiety, and a lack of predictable schedule.  It’s nearly torture for her, and many times she slept out of pure anxiety.  The world is a scary place when you don’t know where you are going, or what you are doing next.  She also talks out of anxiety.  Her talking started at about 5:30 a.m.  Full sentences and discussion at 5:30 a.m. about, “What are we doing today”, “Can I eat breakfast, and what’s for dinner?”  I am so tired of discussions.  The same discussions recited over and over for the last 12 days.  Just tired. Literally.  I can’t imagine what it is like to be inside that mind.  The mind of an autistic teenager.

Her script for the last part of this week was, “I don’t want to go back to school”, which comes from hearing that on Facebook, or from her brother.  However, she CAN’T WAIT to go back, and was ready for bed by 5 p.m. (and had her new backpack all ready)  She’s excited for her schedule to get back to normal.

And, so am I.